Thursday, August 25, 2011

Day 172- Last Chemo: My Fairytale Life

     I feel overwhelmed, as I sit here soaked in my emotions. I feel as If I'm in a fairytale disney movie, and all of this will just be a dream when I wake up. PINCH ME! This is so real, and yet doesn't feel like a blessing so big could be given to me. My name Is Brittany George, and I'm a cancer survivor. I'M A CANCER SURVIVOR! The first thought that came to my head after that statement was how much I miss you Mrs.Crebs. She passed due to breast cancer, and I wish she was here to see how God has touched my life In ways I never knew existed; Until cancer. "When the doctor walked in to give me the results, and asked me to bring my husband back, I knew exactly in that moment what was going on. I was then diagnosed with cancer." I wrote that a little over 6 months ago; the day after I was diagnosed. Going back and reading that brings me back to that exact moment, which I'll never forget. When we were told, I just cried and cried. I couldn't talk to anyone, and was in such shock. You never think It could happen to you, and I will NEVER think that way again. I'll pray that If It's Gods will, that It happens to me, and my husband & I will follow God to the ends of the earth doing whatever He calls us to do. 

     After experiencing the ups, downs(quite a few of those), and enjoying this wonderful disease through Gods eyes, It has been unbelievable. God allowed me to get sick, and then spun it beautifully for His glory. I ended up far more blessed than I would've been without it. Oh my gosh! Seriously? Six months ago people began telling me I was so strong. Me, strong? God definitely came in and took control of everything. To feel 100% at peace when you feel like you're dying and are fighting for your life, has God written ALL over it. I wouldn't be sitting here in my home writing all of this If God hadn't held my hand, loved on me, and CURED me! I'm sorry for the scattered comments, but I can't contain this joy, and love for Christ! Though It has been a blessing I wouldn't trade for anything in the world, It has also been nearly unbearably emotional and very rough. Towards the end of Chemo, the pain was so awful that I would cry myself to sleep and tell my husband I was so scared I wouldn't wake up in the morning. The aggravation of folding laundry and feeling immediately winded became frustrating. I've basically been exhausted for 6 months. Imagine having 6 full months, and every single day getting only a few short hours of sleep each night. No breaks from the exhaustion or the pain. Of course the stomach pain would ease up a bit a few days before chemo, but It never went away. 

     I grew exhausted of telling people I was doing great, when my body was yelling, "NO I'M NOT!", but no one needed to worry when God was already saving me slowly, but surely. He changed my perspective on everything, and in doing that, showed me how to live the way I wasted my life not living the past 19 years of my life. It was also such a fight to feel pretty. The devil tried so hard to get a hold of me and to make me doubt Gods creation being beautiful. I felt ugly sometimes, but always knew that God made me beautiful, and no matter how people see me, I AM beautiful. I'm not vain in any way, shape, or form, but I am not going to look down on Gods creation and tell him he messed up. How gross does It sound to even think that? Imagine having cancer, and just walking around feeling ugly. It's normal, truly.. but that's not the way God intended you to feel. You should stand tall and look up at the faces staring at you, while they're constantly whispering, looking, and pointing since you look "different." No one matters but Jesus. I found myself praying in my head when I was walking through the mall with friends. I would just pray to feel beautiful, and to be reminded that I'm made in God's image, which is nothing less than beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Clearly, that Is the word of the day! Haha. :) 

     Sometimes I'd be walking around without my hat, and look up at the people staring at me, standing tall, and tears would be running down my face. It was so difficult to be proud of my bare head, but by the time I was done praying, the pain of not looking normal was gone. Not even kidding, on the rough days, I'd find myself praying silently the entire time I was in the grocery store. I'd be picking out body wash or mac&cheese, and find myself asking God which brands I should get. Haha! I would thank him for every Item I picked up, and just talk to him constantly. I advise you to do this OFTEN! It sounds so silly, but God is so wonderful to talk to. People shape God as this God that can't be spoken to unless you're eating dinner, going to bed, or need something. How wrong Is that perspective? Though I never really had that perspective, that's still what I used to do. I'm never going back to that.. No thank you! I miss God constantly. I crave time with Him, and can't wait to tell him about my day. He is REAL, and wants a relationship with you.. A REAL relationship like you have with your best friend or your significant other, where you tell him EVERYTHING. He knows everything, obviously, but loves that time with you! Put down that iphone when you're in the grocery store, take your time, or go into your closet, relax, and enjoy your creator and savior. Jesus saved you from a fiery death, so why not spend time thanking and loving him?

     "There's a new wind blowing like I've never known. I'm breathing deeper than I've ever done. And it sure feels good to finally feel the way I do." (Keith Urban lyrics) I've never felt so alive! I feel like my life has an even greater purpose, and I'm just now seeing bits and pieces of what God has in store for Jake & I. Before cancer I went through the motions of work, school, church, etc. I've never lived with purpose(though even then I had purpose). God has blessed me so greatly through a deadly disease. Cancer, a word that saddens and scares people, has been the sickness that has saved my life! I'm now finally living my life! I can't wait to sit in the sun, which I haven't done in 6 months. I want to just spin in circles forever in the rain, sun, or overcast weather. I have so much life to catch up on, and I don't even remember what It's like to lay out on the beach, or to go running without passing out. I want to travel the world, and speak in churches and schools about Gods love and grace in a situation that could've gone very differently. It wasn't my time to go, so I'll spend the rest of my life, however long that may be, living every moment for Christ. You can't walk away from such a huge miracle unchanged. Every moment should be Gods, and out of everything I've learned these past 6 months, the biggest thing I'm walking away with Is a passion to go where God wants me, and to never take my life and live it as my own. I was created for a greater purpose. 

     Lets do this guys! Bring Itttt. Always one day at a time, and I will never again take the ability to work, clean, enjoy the sun, or have good health for granted ever again. Life is too short to complain about this or that. Wouldn't you rather enjoy every second, praising God for your education, clean water, a roof over your head, good or bad health, a job, or for just being ALIVE? I'll stumble, fall constantly, hurt, sin often, and be frustrated, but I will never give up on God. I'll always get back up again; You always have the choice to get back up. Until you breath your last breathe, you will always have the choice give up, or to let God take control. Trust him, love him, and just try again. Always get up again, because with God you can do ANYTHING! There are no limits.. No doctor can tell you that you won't make it. No matter what the outcome, just live in the moment and fight with everything you have.. and just never give up. Whether you have perfect health, or the worst health imaginable, just live for God. He will use you in unreal ways, and you can do something awesome for God through the smallest thing. Maybe your smile can forever impact someone. Who knows? It really is that simple. :) Now that I've let God have the control, I'm ready for anything! I've lost my hair, nearly lost my life, had a bone marrow biopsy, and have fallen deeply in love with Christ! My name is Brittany Mae, and I fought for my life, shed millions of tears, laughed, loved, endured extreme pains, smiled, and beat cancer. I am a cancer survivor. What's next God? You name It! :)

John 16:33
James 1:2-4
Matthew 5:16

"I will take the steps to change my life,
And I won't be coming back to here again,
I need Your loving hand to guide me,
Through the maze of all the things inside me,
Then I'll know that I'm alright."

With Love,
    Brittany Mae :)