Day 24

All of the Hair Erin Cut Off. :)

I haven't written in my blog in a week, so If my thoughts are short and scattered, I'm so sorry. The reason I've been so MIA, is because I literally haven't even stepped out of the house until yesterday, my birthday. Let me start from where I left off though.. that might make a little more sense and be easier to read. :) On wednesday I had my first day of chemotherapy. I'm not sure what I'd expected, but It was definitely an experience. Kristin and I got there at 9AM, and did not get out of there until about 4:30. It was a long 7 hour day full of emotions and... well, hot chocolate. I drank about 4 cups of hot chocolate and A LOT of water while I was there. Kristin is now a pro at working that hot chocolate machine. ;) The room I had Chemo in was filled with lounge chairs, and each were only a foot apart. I'm pretty sure they did that so you can talk to people you can relate to, since It is of course 5+ hours of sitting. I met this sweet older gentleman named Richard who I quickly realized reminded me of my sweet Grandpa. I felt so much comfort in having him there. Richard told me corny jokes while they inserted the needle into my port, which by the way, did not feel lovely, and just distracted me when I began to freak out. I also met this AMAZING girl named Alissa. I'm going to make her read this later, haha.. Hopefully she just skips to this part to see how highly I think of her. :) The second she walked into that room, It just lit up, and I'm so happy she sat next to me, because that girl is such an inspiration. We were definitely the youngest people in the room, and that felt a little awkward, but It was so comforting to hear her story, and to have her there for support. I asked her probably more questions than I'd like to admit, haha, but she was so eager to answer, and just sincerely cared about me and what I was going through. She is going to look SO gorgeous at prom this Friday. Love you girl.. I better get a text with all of the details of how it went! You're going to have so much fun. :) I have 3-4 different types of Chemo I do while I'm there. Basically they give me a shot, poke me in my port, take blood, and then connect me to a bag of chemicals. My monitor beeps when each bag is used up, and I'm pretty sure I had about 6 bags. Some of the bags were just fluids, etc. I had the choice to leave the needle in my port, OR have them take it out, and then re-poke me the next day for fluids. I decided to just have them leave the needle in me over night, so they bandaged me up and left it in. Afterwards I felt okay, just VERY tired sluggish. I slept pretty terribly, but considering I had a million thoughts running through my head, and a needle in me, It really wasn't too bad. On thursday I went in again and sat in the same room for fluids, which took exactly 2 hours. I still felt tired and sluggish, but that was pretty much it. On Friday Kristin picked me up, and I spent the day with her wonderful family.. I am so blessed to even know them! I took a nap here and there, but did my best to stay awake. I'm beginning to see that the exhaustion isn't something I can just fight.. When I'm tired, I have to go to sleep right away. Wow, I am getting so impatient with this music! Haha, every 30 seconds of writing I skip a song in my itunes. I think I'm in a country mood.. Hello Rascal Flatts. :) This song always reminds me of Rebekah Laughridge.. "God Bless the Broken Road", because she could play it perfectly on the piano. Okay, the band in general reminds me of her. Miss you Bam-Bam. :) Sorry, so distracted lately. Now, back to friday.. My sweet friend Erin Ware cut my hair off. I was in the shower that morning, and felt little pieces already falling out, so she suggested just cutting it short so It wouldn't be so hard when It did fall out. My hair is now just barely touching my shoulders. :) I never thought I'd cut my hair until I became a mommy.. Well I'm definitely not that yet, but I think being a chemo patient is a pretty good excuse as well. :) I'll post pictures asap. On Friday afternoon I started feeling sick, so I guess my body was finally starting to get attacked my all of the chemicals. Saturday morning my mom, grandma, and sister Christina came over. By then I was having trouble getting up without feeling nauseous, so I was stuck in bed allllll day. They all cleaned out my fridge, Christina talked to me and was wonderful company, my Grandma folded and put away A BUNCH of laundry for me, my mom made me very thick soup(she failed to add a cup of water to it, like the directions tell you to do, hahahaha), but the soup was good, and they were all so helpful! Things went down hill from there. I got these really bad mouth sores, and couldn't eat or drink anything, so the DR prescribed this awesome mouth wash, and by Sunday morning they were feeling much better. Frustrating enough, my jaw and head began throbbing on Sunday. I took so many pain meds, that my white board I write everything on was completely filled with the name of meds and times I took them. I went from feeling like a 5 on saturday, to feeling like a 2 on sunday. I've never had a real migraine until now. I couldn't handle ANY noises, light, or quick movement. The sound of our xbox even drove me crazy. Monday morning I tried taking a shower, but after less than 60 seconds, I couldn't hear anything, I had terribly blurred vision, and I barely made it to the bed. Monday night Jake helped me get up and we sat on our back porch; listening to the rain hit the trees. I truly enjoy the pinging sound of it hitting the roof, and the light dripping of the rain drops sliding off of the leaves. I could suddenly feel myself getting better by the second. After sitting out there for a good 30 minutes, I started getting dizzy and had to come in, but It was SO worth it. :) On tuesday morning I was woken up by my best friend kissing me on the head saying happy birthday. Did I ever mention how much I LOVE my husband? Wow, I sit here and think about how It would feel to be loved by anyone else in the world, and I get sick to my stomach. I just couldn't imagine being loved by someone more wonderful than my sweet jacob. Being married through all of this is just one of the biggest blessings of all. The idea of going through this without my best friend with me at all times is just a painful thought. I am so in love, and I love it! Okay, mushy part over.. I just like to document everything I feel throughout all of this, so someday I can look back amazed at what God has done in my life! Sadly my hubby had to work from 7am-4pm. On Tuesday I was feeling even worse, but was pretty stinking determined to get better. I had to take Bella(our sweet puppy.. well, kind of a puppy.. she's 2 now, haha) out to go to the bathroom, and my legs were so weak from not being able to get around the past few days, that I almost tumbled down the stairs. To say the least, we ARE moving to a 1st floor apartment.. We will find a way to make It happen, because 3 flights of stairs just isn't going to work. I was so blessed when my wonderful friend Jenna happened to call on sunday asking If she could take me to breakfast on Tuesday, so that just worked out perfectly. Excited to get out of the house, I was trying to rest up that morning, and kept moving to a minimum. I was praying and doing my devotions, when I just got to a point where I couldn't stop crying. God was so perfect and awesome to help me see how blessed I am to have cancer. God allowed ME to have this gift? Wow, It began to blow my mind that he would let me have this disease, so I could witness to others. I'm still in shock from that realization, and will do my best to carry this gift with Gods name written all over it, because though It seems like a blessing in disguise, It truly is such a huge blessing. I went to breakfast at I can't seem to remember where, haha, and had 3 huge honkin chocolate chip pancakes, and these delicious zucchini sandwiches.. Don't laugh; They were delicious. :) My memory seems to be going down hill, but they said that's normal, so please bare with me here. A sweet friend from my work stopped by with 2 cards, an incredible gift, and a chocolate wave with a candle in it.. It's my favorite desert at red lobster, hehe. That was a huge blessing and just sweet that they even thought of me on my birthday! I miss them so much. I rested up until Jake got home around 4. He walked in with a bunch of roses, and my heart melted. Yup, I'm blessed. At 6:30 we met up with my sisters, mom, and grandparents for dinner at Macaroni Grill(last minute venue change), and I was just so happy to see everyone. I started feeling really dizzy and had to leave pretty quickly out of no where, so that was probably the most frustrating part of the day. The second I got to the parking lot I couldn't stop crying. My poor husband just held me, not knowing what was wrong, but I did my best to explain. I was just looking forward to sitting around and talking with everyone, and then out of no where I felt like I was going to pass out and throw up all at once, and my head began to pound again. It really does come out of no where, and It being my birthday, I just kinda got lost in frustration and needed to shed a few tears. I wish I had a do-over, because that was not how I wanted to end my birthday, but I'm just thankful I made it through dinner.. That alone was a battle that God VERY much so helped me win. :) Today I have an appointment at 1:30 at Dr. Reynolds office, and my grandpa will be picking me up in about 30 minutes, so this note must come to an end. I have chemotherapy again a week from today, so I'm hoping I don't react as badly as I did this time. Thank you so much to everyone who wished me a happy birthday, celebrated with me, blessed me with gifts, and just showed me they cared.. You all are so wonderful and the best support system I could've asked for. I love you all and will be writing again soon. :)

With Love,
    Brittany Mae <3

Day 16

I left off on thursday, where I had my heart scan, and breathing tests. On Friday i had my bone marrow procedure. If I could find a word to describe the amount of pain I was in during that frustrating procedure, I assure you I would. The pain level I had should under no circumstances be legalized, haha. They took 2 tubes of blood, and I warned her that they had taken it the day before, but sadly that didn't matter to her.. She still sucked the life out of my little vains. The sweet woman who did the procedure lent me her iphone, and showed me this chimes app. she had. It was a cute pond with fish & plants, and then when you touched the pond with your finger, you could hear beautiful chimes, and the fish followed the ripples in the pond. The chimes were in all sorts of pitches, and were just so soothing. Growing up my dad had a HUGE obsession with chimes(wood, metal, you name it), and since then the sound of them just makes me feel so comforted and happy. That was pretty much my only form of happy during this whole ordeal. They told me multiple times that since I'm "so skinny", that they could get in, take the bone marrow & chip of bone out, and be done with It. Apparently I have strong bones, and It was a frustrating day in Dr. Reynolds Office. After they numbed me by sticking a few shots of lidocaine in my hip bone with a rather sharp needle(I'm pretty sure that's the only way they come), I was somewhat relieved that I would be numbed in the general area. The drawing of the bone marrow felt as if they were yanking out my hip bone, but I'm pretty sure they weren't. ;) They also got a chip of my bone itself, and not going to lie, that was such an intense pain. My sweet husband held my finger on the pond, and moved it around so I could still hear the chimes. At that point I couldn't really do it myself due to stress, so he sat there with his typical sweet smile, and calmed me down. He happened to look up when a rod was sticking out of my back, poor sweetheart, but he's a toughie. He walked if off. Now, on with the good! After leaving the office, I went to see my wonderful sister Jessica. She had made me a bed on her couch, so we just watched a movie, talked, and hung out for the rest of the day. :) My precious grand parents brought over food for Jake and I, and that was SUCH a blessing, so I hope someday they read this and know just how much I love and appreciate everything they've done for us! If you know them, you know how incredible they are. Alright, so there's a little tiny gap here for you to just imagine yourself, because I can't remember for the life of me what happened on saturday. I think I just hung around the house all day, waiting for my hubby to get home. Clearly that day doesn't hold too much importance. ;) After resting up the first half of Sunday, My sweet sister-in-law picked me up and took me back to her moms house, where her entire family had a BBQ, and just hung out. I definitely enjoyed spending time with all of them-- I truly love them so much! Between Kim's macaroni, and that delicious carrot cake, my tummy was as happy as could be. On monday morning Jake and I went to the beach with the Medina family, Erin & Cari Ware, and my sister-in-law & her 2 beautiful boys(Who all thankfully JUST got in town, and will be here for an entire week!!). I turned my phone on silent, ignored all phone calls, and just enjoyed my time with some of the kindest, sweetest, most wonderful people I know! After a day of perfect weather, and just an amazing time, we left around 6, and stopped for some frozen gold. I then looked at my phone, and saw I had about 6 missed phone calls, 4 voicemail's, and about 7 texts. A few of the calls were from doctors, which I'd been dreading. I called them back and found out I start chemotherapy on wednesday, only a day after getting my port put in; Yuck. Today Jake, Kristin, and I got up crazy early for my surgery to have my port for chemo put in. We arrived at 5:40, and I was taken in around 6:30. Thank you so much you two for being so patient and hanging out through all of the not so fun stuff. I love you both SO much! I had to change into a beautiful purple hospital gown for the 2nd time, I put on the awesome purple socks I was dying to get another pair of(They're SO cute!), and I laid down waiting for the nurse to come in with her band-aids and needles. She poked and fished around twice in my right hand, because I'm so bruised up in my arms, that hands are the best entry option at this point. On accident she poked straight through my vain twice, and that wasn't exactly the most pleasant surprise. 1 throbbing right hand later, she moved to the left hand. The nurse fished around and thankfully after about 10 minutes, she successfully had the IV in my left hand and we were good to go. The surgery all together went just fine, minus them having problems with my IV. They really drugged me up this time.. The previous surgery(for my neck), called for anesthesia, but I threw up for hours afterwards, so this time the anesthesiologist decided to make the dose a lot heavier. It was REALLY difficult waking up, and gave me a little head ache, but around 4:00 I was functioning much better and didn't throw up once! I am so blessed!! Tomorrow I go in for Chemotherapy at 9:00. Sadly, my sweet hubby will be at work until about an hour after I get home. Kristin will be picking me up, and sitting with me for a long 4-5 hours. Though chemo Is painfully long, I'm so excited to just spend time with people I love. By the way, I'm kidnapping you Kristin-- Sorry Greg. :) I'll let everyone know how it goes, but probably not for a few days. This note was probably the longest, but a few bigger things have happened that I needed to write down, so that's a good excuse, right? Please be praying, because though I can't imagine things getting even harder from here, this is truly where the journey and battle begins. Here we go! Love you guys.. Thank you for all of the love and support; I'll never stop being thankful for everyone who has been there for me even in these first 2 weeks. I'm so in love with God and his continual blessings each day! It's amazing how at peace I've been the past 16 days. No one but Him could do such beautiful miracles in my life. I freak out here and there, and have a few cries when the days get hard, but God has without a doubt been holding both my husband and I each and every day. We are beyond blessed.

With Love,

   Brittany Mae <3

Day 11

4th IV

After talking to at least 5 different offices and doctors assistants, I finally have a few appointments made. Yesterday I had a Chemotherapy prepping class, which was from 9am-12pm. Since my husband was at work, my mom went with me, and so diligently took notes for later. :) Everyone in the class was at least twice my age, except one girl who was probably only 10 years older that me. They informed me of what the chemotherapy would be like, how life would become as a cancer & Chemo patient, the amount of appointments per week, the chemotherapy's I'll be personally treated with(each person in the class was different), and just what to all around expect. It was somewhat overwhelming, but VERY informative. I got a pink cancer bag, with a book of info on everything talked about in the class, and how to do my best to stay healthy throughout the entire process. After the class I went to target to get a bunch of anti-bacterial and medical things for during my treatment, and then shortly after was dropped at work by my mom. Work didn't go so well, between worrying about my appointments, and being extremely exhausted from the sickness, I was just ready to go home. I won't be working for another 6 months now, and It's going to be really difficult just sitting at home by myself every day. Hopefully I'll be able to find some company a couple of times a week. This morning at 7am I had my breathing tests, which lasted about 40 minutes. They took me through a series of breathing cycles, and put me in this box for 60 seconds for one of the tests. It was really exhausting, but i was so happy to hear that there wouldn't be ANY needles for that exam! :) Directly after the breathing tests, I went straight back to a different part of the hospital for my heart scan. They drew blood, and then left the needle in for 30 minutes while they looked at my blood work. After a boring 30 minutes of Jake and I staring at our phones, each other, and the walls, they took me back to take out the needle, and finally did my heart scan. We were home by 10:00, and now I'm just awaiting the next appointment. Tomorrow morning they will be taking bone marrow out of my hip. My appointment is for 11:30AM, so hopefully i'll be out after a short hour or two. On tuesday I have an appointment for 6AM right next to the hospital, where I'll have surgery to have my port for chemotherapy put in. I'm dreading this quite a bit, but I know I'll be just fine. I'll also be starting Chemotherapy next week-- It should be scheduled by tomorrow or monday. The blogging will definitely continue over the next 6+months, so please continue to pray for us and the obstacles we will be faced with. I'm praying for this to glorify God in every way!! Love you guys always.

With Love,
    Brittany Mae <3

Day 6

To say the least, I did not find out the results 20 minutes after my last post, like planned. Yesterday wasn't so terrible. I've been so blessed this week with such wonderful family. My family has been over every single day, and my three life long best friends came to see me. Angela & Joey visited on thursday, and they brought me bubbles, twix, and cookie dough. Is there anything better than God, great friends, family, and bubbles/twix/cookie dough? Ah, my heart is so happy. Last night I called my other life long best friend Chloe Anna, and though I had been putting off the news, I just told her everything. She lives in Tampa, and drove down the next morning to see me. We spent the entire day just hanging out, eating Mimi's cafe, talking about her sweet mama, enjoying Jeremiah's Ice deliciousness, and played a game I found that I was TERRIBLE at, with her beautiful family. I got the call from Dr.Reynolds today around 12. He told me they were positive that It was Hodgkin's Lymphoma disease, and that the cancer was a stage 2A. We had hoped for stage 1, but thank you Jesus that It was not worse. This upcoming week will be over-loaded with appointments, because the cancer specialist told me that I will without a doubt need bone-marrow, and a PET scan. Other than that, the Chemotherapy would be the next step. They will be sticking a port under my skin, so they don't have to re-enter every single time i go in for treatments. We will find out other details this upcoming week when I go back to see the specialist, but I will hopefully only be going in for chemotherapy twice a month(that's what the doctor hoped for at least). The type of cancer I have has an 85% cure rate, meaning it has high chances of never coming back, and I am praying & hoping for miracles in my life! This is going to be one rough journey, but God has allowed it all to happen for a reason. I hope to glorify him throughout it all. I will continue to update my blog as the process goes on, but for now I'm going to enjoy the beautiful weekend God has blessed me with. Tomorrow my husband and I will be enjoying Gods WONDERFUL creation at the beach, and then on monday we will be at Disney, the happiest place on earth. I'm not scared, but terribly nervous for all that is about to come. Please keep Jake and I in your prayers, and also all of my family & close friends who will be there for me, watching, and being put through the process with me. God is in control, and that means there is so much hope and possibilities! Thank you for taking the time to be apart of my life in reading this, praying for us, and just being there in general. I am blessed, and love you all so much.

With Love,
    Brittany Mae <3

Day 5

I've been putting off blogging, because I've been hoping that after my biopsy it would come back as some odd reaction, and be 0% cancer.. Therefore I would just delete this blog and explain in a brief note. Well, here I am typing to a large box with quite a few words to say, but not having any idea of how to say them. I believe I left off on tuesday night.. On wednesday morning I went for the biopsy on my neck as planned, and expected It to be something easy, and really just a piece of cake. I was absolutely wrong. Our appt. was for 11am, and I finally got in around 12:30. They put an IV in me(This is starting to be a routine thing I'm noticing), and then finally knocked me out with anesthesia shortly after. I recall waving like a weirdo to this nice Jamaican man in the surgery room before the operation, and rambling about cancer, but after that I was out like a light. I woke up an hour or so later with stitches(steri-strips) on my neck, and the lump I'd been sporting for 2 months now was finally gone. A short 30 minutes later the surgeon called Jake, and told him he was almost positive It was Hodgkin's Lymphoma-- Cancer. We had been told this many times at each appointment, but STILL have not gotten the call with the 100% results. When I was being wheeled out by the nurse, I threw up right before getting in my car, and then continued to throw up another painful 10-12 times every single time I moved until about midnight or so. Once we get that call, I'll be posting this online, and will finally tell everyone what is going on. Only family knows about all of this right now. Please be praying that the cancer will be gone in a flash, and I can live my life like it never touched my body. I will blog again the moment I find out the results, which will hopefully be in 20 minutes.

With Love,
     Brittany Mae <3

Day 3

2nd IV

On Friday I had to get a scan of my neck to figure out how to get rid of the lump I've had for over 2 months now, and then I got called in for results on monday. Like I previously posted, this was when I was diagnosed with cancer. They poked me a few times and took 3-4 tubes of blood(to be honest I wasn't looking), and then my husband and I went home. On tuesday morning I was sent for a scan of my chest, and then after lunch I went straight to see a specialist at the Altamonte Cancer Center. He already had the results from that morning in hand, thanks to Aunt Patty making calls, and setting everything up for us. He was kind and very helpful, and happens to be the specialist who saw the strongest woman I've ever known, Lynn Crebs. She passed away due to breast cancer, and I was filled with happiness when I heard I was seeing the same specialist as beautiful Lynn did. The conversation went in circles, and It ended with him sending me right across the street immediately to meet with a surgeon. The surgeon suggested getting me in immediately, and I was set up for an appointment for the following day. Today is the day of my biopsy on my neck, and "busy" can't describe the past 2 days I've had. Leading up to my operation, they will put me under, and I supposedly won't remember a thing.. Hopefully I'm not out too long. I'm nervous as can be, but I know It's all in Gods hands, and that Is more than enough comfort for me. I will be blogging again today If we get the results we were promised.


  With Love,
       Brittany Mae <3

Cancer

I've never completely grasped the idea of cancer until yesterday morning. I was sitting in the doctors office, impatiently waiting in a cold & quiet room, just hoping that my thoughts had led me a-stray. I had been in the lobby with my husband for a painful 20 minutes. Both of us were in silence, because we already both knew separately what it was, but we didn't dare to talk about it or tell one another. When the doctor walked in to give me the results, and asked me to bring my husband back, I knew exactly in that moment what was going on. I was then diagnosed with cancer. God, how do I come up with the strength to handle this? I alone can't be strong enough, so could he have a better plan that I am not aware of? Absolutely. I'm scared out of my mind, but at peace in the same moment. God has plans for me, and no matter what they may be, his plans are beautiful, perfect, and will glorify HIM.. and I'm so blessed that I've been chosen rather than someone else to carry this-- Not burden, but load, hoping I will reach others someday with my story of how God stayed with me in every moment. Please pray for this disease, and that God will give me the strength to over-come it.. but more importantly, PLEASE pray for my husband. My heart cries for him; It cries for his hurt FAR more than my own.

With Love,
     Brittany Mae <3